We(a)k Three Wrap-Up

I haven’t really been able to get excited about the blog this year…I have been trying to pin down why and I came up with a few ideas: The big split between Barry & Mike, the lack of message board fodder, Joe’s bulimia, the creeping effect of suburban metropolitan living that has softened Chip’s harsh ways to lowbrow dick- sucking jokes about Joe, Crum’s new job where his boss told him to make a computer use choice: porn or fantasy football…then I realized it came to one thing, the Green Helmet. It’s common for an artist, regardless of his medium, to lose his passion once he has completed his greatest work. It happened to Mozart, it happened to Van Gogh (that crazy bastard had to lop his fuckin’ ear off) and I fear it has happened to yours truly. The fear of putting out inferior dribble is too great against the specter of the Green Helmet Comic Strip but I will try to forge on for the sake of my fellow work slackers.

Before we look at this week’s matchups, I wanted to share with you one of his 370 or so posts that have appeared on my Facebook homepage since I accepted a friend invite from one Kenneth J. Meier….

Well, no time to wallow in the Meier...

The winners this week:
Farley – while not busy molesting waitresses Farley somehow managed to put together a pretty decent team this year, albeit he did draw the week Drew Brees choose to suck, but suck Brees did and Farley is 3-0 and “happy as a little girl” (you know, like the ones he pursues)
Speaking of 3-0, it looks like Joe is not to be taken lightly. I don’t think anyone weighed the consequences of how good of a draft Joe had. It’s like some tremendous weight has been lifted from him and now he is free to reach his potential. The margin of victory over the Meatriots wasn’t even slim. The Meatriots hopes are lean after a 0-3 start.

The Ohlers, last seen pouring sand in the tanks of the bulldozers at the site of the former Penguin Inn (a moment of silence for the Penguin, Crousey’s is a better place not that those drunks have one less dank, urine-soaked hellhole. Hold on, the management objects to the use of the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole.") to lay the smackdown on the Green Helmet while starting not just one but, count them, two defensive linemen, including one that everyone with a pulse knew was hurt and not going to play. Karma is a cold-hearted 320 pound run stuffing bitch. We’ll see how the Helmet copes now that Frank “He looks like he could” Gore is out a few weeks.

Ken and the fantasy league participant formerly known as Russ (or Todd, make up your damn mind people that go by two names, life is confusing enough with so many types of porn to masturbate to, I shouldn’t have to spend valuable time trying to figure out if the Russo’s have two separate uncles, one named Brent and one named Glenn, or is there some type of mutant hybrid, Miller Lite ingesting relative out there morphing from one persona to another) pull out the win over Bad Luck Barry, who appeared to secure a “W” only to see that the site fucked up – Big Surprise – and missed the TD points for a special teams return. Barry manned up and brought this to Ken’s attention, quite admirable. Barry, you are a bigger man than me. Much, much bigger.


Faced with the threat of having to change their name to the “Deposed” King of the WFFL, Brocktoon finally finds the win column this week. Maybe a “W” will instill some fire in Chip and bring him back to prominence on the message board. Are we starting to see people neglecting their lineup changes already? I thought I knew Westbrook wasn’t playing and that cat aint even on my team.
And last but not least, our “It’s All About the Hamilton” weekly winner, Chris Crum easily disposes of Swinger and surprises everyone with the bold decision of leaving MTO (Michael Turner Overdrive) on the bench. A resounding win by Crum makes me think the waiver wire is safe for one more week.

Post Game No-kakke Week #1

Well, I have to be honest, I don't really have the time or energy to do much this week. Kind of fitting since we just finished drafting roughly two hours ago. Normally I'd be jumping all over my defeat of the Helmet but Joe's belittling of our drafts on the league message board demoralized (for Joe's purposes: demoralize - a verb meaning to deprive a person or persons of spirit, courage, discipline, etc) me to the point I can't spend half an hour cutting and pasting his head on the body of an Ethiopian for our amusement. I'll just briefly touch on a few of the highlights from our calamitous first week of the season:

Farley defeats Brocktoon. After seeing his gaudy point total this week Farley immediately sports wood, a feat some are calling "the immaculate erection" while Chip is left to wonder how things would have been different if he would have grown a set and shown up for the draft.

No Auxland Meatriots lose to Ken/Russ: Do we really still need to call them Ken/Russ? Russ's absence from the last two drafts has left us with little Pitt-centric draft fodder to belittle with. Mike's first foray into post-Barry fantasy football doesn't go so swimmingly.

On the other hand....Totally Auxsome knocks off last year's runner-up. Don't count Swinger out just yet because he somehow, someway, amazingly, dumbfoundedly finds himself in contention when things really matter. Kudos Barry, no matter what Joe says you guys are both sitting at 1-0 right now and I must say the draft-day banter between you two goofy bastards was about the best thing we had going.

Dave/Frank doles out defeat to the Ohler's whose ongoing strategy of having someone else draft their team didn't payoff. (Sidenote to Jarod, you may want to consider bringing Nick on full-time...he only had one fantasy magazine, showed up on time and was noticeably prepared)

The Russoxby, hungry for victory, lays the smack down on Crum. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there, if you are willing to sacrifice one season due to a shitty draft, you can vulture all sorts of players on the waiver wire, use them for trade fodder or simply to keep your cap space inflated, and then come back the next year with a wad of cash and run wild. As for Crum, lets just say I hope the portion of website that handles waiver transactions carries a shitload of bandwidth because a storm is a coming.

Well, that is it until next week, when I promise to jazz things up a bit. Oh, what the hell...

Draft

Hey you rotten bastards..the draft is 9/12 and get your protected play lists to the Commish by 8/12 or he'll MMA your ass into oblivion.

Superbowl Pics Ramblog Style

This just about says it all

Playoff Bukkake

The Green Helmet

Post Game Bukakke - Lackluster Thanksgiving Edition

Let me start off by offering an apology for a my limp-wristed effort this week. Short week, head cold, and still emotionally drained from my Brocktoon victory and subsequent video production. Couple that with the fact I sit alone atop the rankings and there is really no need to poke fun at others this week. On second thought, poking fun is always needed.

Anyway, let me start of this week's recap by giving thanks:
Thanks to Crum for his impatience that resulted in me acquiring Deangelo Williams
Thanks to Chip for keeping the message board a lively forum for player hating.
Thanks to Ken for access to online photo album
Thanks to Hab for nothing
Thanks to Bub from everyone (except Swinger)
Thanks to Meat for being such a good sport (and crappy fantasy team assembler)
Thanks to Joe for drafting LT
(No)Thanks to Dave/Frank for giving me very little to work with on the Ramblog
Thanks to Wargo for processing my shit.
Thanks to Jarod for keeping Sheetz out of downtown
Thanks to Swinger for keeping the trophy polished for me
Farley vs. Meatriots
Losing to Farley is like kissing your brother. Speaking of Barry, mediocrity sure keeps him quiet. He is the guy that will call you in the middle of a game and go, "hey, did you see what (insert your player's name here) just did? He (insert negative point producing action here)" But when he is losing he he just quietly disappears into the shadows (large, building produced shadows required) As a special treat for uber-nerd Farley and his recent success I found this, Lion-O Simpsonized:


Team Scorpio vs. Russoxby
Watching the game Monday Night, I admit I was a little nervous but then Drew Brees scored a gazillion points and I get to bring back an oldie but goodie from the Ramblog

Crum vs. Brocktoon
The slide of Brocktoon continues this week. A total of 104 points. For fuck's sake Crum's reserves beat you.

Ken/Russ vs. Wargosquid
A tight matchup of playoff bound participants results in a loss for Ken. When you sit our league's 4th best running back you deserve to lose. Fuck matchups. start your best players (unsolicited fantasy advice)

Barry vs. Dave/Frank
Oops, I meant Bubby vs. Dave/Frank. I must have been thinking ahead to next year.

Swinger v.s the Ohlers
Randy keeps his playoff hopes alive with a solid victory over the Ohler's. It must have been painful to watch your QB tossing TD after TD to your opponents WR. Fantasy football you are a cruel mistress.

Lots on the line this week as the people's playoff dreams are realized or crushed. I promise I will try harder next with a regular season ending Bukakke worthy of your blessing. And, at this time of year, remember that we all have something to be thankful for (such as the fact Marissa Miller did a topless photo shoot playing basketball before she was a super famous model)

"Hey Crum, remember when I said I sent your waiver wire transactions to Nasa to tabulate them? Well, they're back"

Pickup W. Dunn
Drop D. Rhodes
Pickup Buccaneers, Team Kicker
Drop Seahawks, Team Kicker
Pickup Buccaneers, Team QB
Drop Dolphins, Team QB
Pickup E. Barton
Drop G. Hayes
Pickup K. Bentley
Drop E. Barton
Pickup K. Rivers
Drop N. Harris
Pickup J. Winborn
Drop T. Spikes
Pickup S. Piscitelli
Drop J. Phillips
Pickup N. Washington
Drop P. Crayton
Pickup N. Harris
Drop R. Jeanty
Pickup J. Thomas
Drop K. Coleman
Pickup E. Barton
Drop B. Leber
Pickup B. Meriweather
Drop I. Taylor
Pickup D. Avery
Drop A. Toomer
Pickup M. Moore
Drop D. Williams
Pickup Bills, Team Kicker
Drop Bengals, Team Kicker
Pickup Dolphins, Team QB
Drop Raiders, Team QB
Pickup D. Rhodes
Drop C. Perry
Pickup Seahawks, Team Kicker
Drop Saints, Team Kicker
Pickup T. Spikes
Drop C. Lofton
Pickup E. Weddle
Drop K. Hamlin
Pickup B. Leber
Drop P. Lenon
Pickup R. Jeanty
Waive J. Dizon
Pickup A. Toomer
Waive D. Henderson
pickup Raiders, Team QB
Waive Texans, Team QB
Trade B. Scott
Trade M. Jenkins
Trade Eagles, Team QB
Trade G. Hayes
Trade L. Evans
Trade Texans, Team QB
Pickup A. Fasano
Waive L. Smith
Pickup D. Henderson
Waive J. Jones

Postgame Bukakke - Week 11

Sure , Farley scored a ton of points this week but even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then. No, today is about Team Scorpio taking over the league, putting a bully in his place and celebrating the fact I figured out how to make and post homemade videos to the Ramblog.

Team Scorpio vs. Brocktoon




Farley vs. Russoxby
Vince's big victory means he is seriously snooping around the playoffs but that isn't the only benefit to him winning. See Vince had a little side bet with his girlfriend this week, if he lost he had to promise to shower daily,eat with utensils and stop referring to her as "Leah" but if Vince won, well, just see for yourself...
Will this crushing defeat by Farley be enough to begin the purging of Joe's roster? My guess is he drops all his high priced players (including LT), acquires the cheapest possible options for keepers and then uses his league high cashflow to outbid everyone for LT next year.


The Crum vs. the Meatriots
Crum's Revolving Roster of Death proves too much for the Meatriot Boys this week. Poor Barry and Mike, two losses to upper echelon teams in two weeks. Could this put a damper on their playoff hopes? Will Mike find his way back to Rigoberto? Will the boys relinquish their mancrush on Jonathan Vilma? Will Barry finally perfect his recipe for bacon-flavored mayonnaise?
Tune in next week to find out!

The Simon "Red" Ohlers vs. Bubby
With no more bye weeks Bubby figured he'd have a competitive edge this week but to no avail. What is the deal with bye weeks? Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks and now he's dead! Well, maybe they are a good thing. (Thanks Moe) The Ohler boys are marching towards the playoffs on a three game winning streak even after they chose to sit Matt Cassel, causing Jarod's irate return to the message board. The only question I have is "was Shaun Hill that much better of a play than Cassel?" The only person to blame is yourself weirdo!

Swinger vs. Ken/Russ
Swinger isn't going down without a fight and Ken isn't going down unless she's over 170! BBW fetishes aside, this loss,coupled with the Fall of Brocktoon, puts Team Scorpio firmly in control of the league. Sorry about the lack of pics Ken but I clearly put all my time into the video this week.

Wargopalooza
I was sure Wargs was gonna win this one but man I was wrong, I should went with Wargs instead. I took the over on Wargs winning and man did I take a bath on that decision. Seriously, did any one doubt Wargs was going to win this one? Congratulations and better luck next time Wargs.

Troy LT Commercial - Updated

Post Game Bukakke Week #10

Lots of intrigue this week in the league..the matchup of the century, teams clinging to playoff hope, an arrest after a Latino-fueled night of debauchery, Farley going for his third upset in a row, Bubby finally scoring a sack of Master Kush... so much to talk about but first I'd like to take a moment to be serious and talk about a troubling subject: Missing Persons. Every year, hundred of thousands of grown adult men disappear, never to be heard from again. Someone near and dear to the Ramblog has gone missing and I would like to use this platform as a plea for help. Please, if you have any information on the whereabouts of Harry Barnes, contact your local authorities. For the benefit of those who have not seen him in some time, the Ramblog has used its technological prowess to develop a picture of what Harry would look like today...

Brocktoon vs. the Meatriots

Mike had visions of how this matchup was going to turn out, unfortunately for the Meatriots they didn't come true. This was quite possibly the most hyped matchup in league history and it turns out to be nothing more than a pile of hot garbage. It ended up with all the emotional highs and lows of a Golden Girls Marathon. The only redeeming aspect was the news Chip broke about Mike's arrest. The Ramblog dug deep into our sources and uncovered a picture taken earlier in the evening of Mike's arrest

"I can't quit you Rigoberto"

Ken/Russ vs. Bubbly

This might have seemed like a blowout but if Bubby would have been able to utilize his entire roster vs. Ken's starting line-up he would have edged them out by roughly a point. Ken and Russ have been point scoring stalwarts this season and its always been a dream of Ken's to win the League Championship. Another one of Ken's longtime dreams....

Team Scorpio vs. Farley

I guess Vince's last two victories were against "pre"tenders rather than contenders. We see what happens when Captain Lazy meets a real opponent...

Wargosquid vs. Swinger
Another drubbing, even Swinger's entire roster couldn't of taken down Wargs starters this week. Impressive victory on one side and the stark realization that last year's champ is hanging on by a thread. Swinger, go ahead and start polishing up that trophy for me.

Russoxby vs. Crum

Close but no cigar Mr. Crum..Instead of the prized cigar, we have a wonderful consolation prize for you, please enjoy your Bag of Dicks...

You can blame Isaac Hayes all you want for this loss but I really think you should just leave Chef out of this. What the hell does a dead scientologist have to with anything. Let's take a moment to congratulate Whitey and remember Isaac:

Hammer: You ever kill a man before?
Jack Spade: No.
Hammer:You ever splatter a man's brains up against a wall?
Jack Spade: No.
Hammer: You ever took a big shinny blade and just ripped a man from his ass to his appetite?! Then cut his balls off and make him squeal like a pig?

The Simon "Red" Ohlers vs. Dave/Frank

Poor Dave, can't get a break in this league, but no one gets breaks against Jim & George!

More Fun at Barry's Expense